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Assertive Communication is the key to expressing our thoughts, negotiating, and conveying our needs respectfully. This strategy is highly beneficial in emotional, personal, and professional relationships. However, we may not always know how to apply it effectively. That’s why we want to share a step-by-step guide to help you master assertive conversations.
Different techniques, exercises, and suggestions can aid us in communicating clearly and respectfully. It’s important to remember that assertiveness is more than just a set of steps; it’s an attitude and a way of relating to others. Closely linked to self-esteem and empathy, assertiveness can be practiced in various forms (González & Kasparane, 2009).
If you’re unsure where to start, this guide will provide you with the foundations for making positive changes in your interactions.
The Importance of Assertive Communication
Before diving into the steps of maintaining an assertive conversation, it’s crucial to understand the many benefits this communication style offers. Assertiveness strikes a balance between passivity (submitting to others) and aggression (dominating others), allowing us to express our ideas, desires, and needs clearly without disrespecting our conversational partner.
The advantages of assertiveness are vast and span across various areas (Postolatii, 2017):
- Promotes balance and fairness in human relationships.
- Allows us to defend our rights and interests without fear or harm to others.
- Helps us make better decisions and achieve greater success in our professional careers.
- Enhances emotional intelligence, leading to a happier, more honest, healthy, and less manipulative life.
- Boosts self-confidence and competence, making it easier to achieve personal goals.
- Supports interpersonal success in friendships, romantic relationships, family, or professional settings.
- Prevents conflicts, misunderstandings, and inconsistencies, leading to more positive and satisfying relationships.
Step-by-Step Guide to Assertive Communication
In short, this guide is useful if you struggle to set boundaries, face workplace disagreements, or want to improve how you communicate with loved ones while avoiding unnecessary harm to your relationships. Although the steps may involve some adaptations, they are grounded in the nonviolent communication model proposed by Marshall Rosenberg. We hope you find them beneficial.
1. Base Your Communication on Objective Facts
How often have you started a conversation with statements like “You always treat me badly” or “This company doesn’t value me”? While you may feel this way, expressing it in such terms can lead the listener to perceive it as a personal attack, prompting a defensive response. The key, therefore, is to convey concrete, objective facts without judgment.
This means engaging in a neutral dialogue about a recent event. For example, “You raised your voice while talking to me yesterday,” “We haven’t seen each other in a few days,” or “The report you gave me is missing some important information.” By referring to indisputable facts, you avoid making judgments or evaluations.
2. Speak from an “I” Perspective
The next step is to recognize your own feelings and take responsibility for them. Often, we focus on the other person and what we believe they did wrong. However, it’s essential to remember that these are merely interpretations, and the only truth we can speak of is our own emotions.
Telling your partner that they always ignore you is an interpretation of their actions from your perspective, assigning blame and responsibility to them. Conversely, saying “I feel lonely” speaks to your internal experience and emotions—something that cannot be disputed and doesn’t involve blame.
As Rosenberg suggests in The Surprising Purpose of Anger, anger is a healthy emotion because it signals an unmet need. When expressed appropriately, it allows us to show vulnerability, which can foster empathy from the other person.
For instance, saying “I feel anxious and unsettled when the house is messy” is more likely to elicit understanding and attentiveness than saying “The house is a mess, and you’re useless.”
3. Express Specific Requests
The aim of assertive communication is to reach a mutual understanding where both parties feel respected and considered in finding a solution. To achieve this, it is essential to make specific requests, clearly outlining how the other person can help meet your needs.
A request should be articulated clearly, specifically, and positively. For example, saying “I want you to stop ignoring me” or “I need you to do your job” isn’t effective. Instead, try saying, “I’d like us to have a daily conversation for a few minutes” or “I’d appreciate it if you could review these items before submitting the report.”
4. Emphasize Mutual Benefit
A request should not be confused with a demand or obligation. In assertive communication, it’s important to share how you feel and suggest changes that could be made. However, it is ultimately up to the other person to accept, negotiate, or propose alternatives. Our rights, opinions, and needs are valuable, but so are those of others.
By highlighting how a change benefits both parties, the other person is more likely to cooperate. For example, “If we keep the house tidy, we can spend more time together doing fun things instead of cleaning,” or “Reviewing the report before submission will speed up deadlines and save us from having to redo the work.”
Avoid Common Pitfalls in Assertive Conversations
As demonstrated, by following just four simple steps, you can engage in assertive, positive, and effective conversations that aim for desired outcomes. While these steps serve as a helpful guide for expressing your thoughts, remember that assertiveness is ultimately an attitude—a way of approaching interactions that reflects respect for oneself and others.
